lean into the unknown
After five months of procrastinating, I am finally sitting down to write this blog post. Maybe I wasn’t ready before. Maybe things were still too comfortable in my life, even with the craziness of 2020.
But now I officially feel like I have to face the unknown.
The unknown is scary. We avoid it at all costs, remaining in unhealthy relationships or jobs we dislike. We even hold on to our negative thoughts and perceptions because they are familiar. What lies beyond our “comfortable” uncomfortableness? Why are we so afraid of opening ourselves up to something better?
For me, it is the not knowing. Jumping off the cliff without looking down. My mind wants to have all the details worked out before taking a step in a new direction.
And yet, when I look back over my life, I see that the greatest moments came from leaning into the unknown.
I left my lifelong cozy home of St. Louis and moved to California without much of a plan. I realized the marriage to my high school best friend was toxic and asked for a divorce. Leaving the marriage meant learning how to live on my own in a city where I knew no one. After years of being in bands, I built a successful music career as a solo artist, networking my butt off up and down the coast of Southern California. I took a trip to Spain for a month with no itinerary and discovered the incredible power of my intuition.
Now here I am again. In the mushiness of a new and unexpected unknown.
My current situation:
I had a plan to push myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve been dreaming of living in an Airstream or a converted van for many years. I wanted to experience life on the road, be a minimalist and get closer to nature. I wanted to start a blog about van lifestyle and make videos. I had lots of visions! So when the opportunity arose to travel to Maui and live with my boyfriend in a van for a few months, I thought it was perfect.
The universe seemed to organize around it. I found a tenant to sublease my apartment in Laguna Beach immediately, without even trying. I was hired for a wedding at the end of April on Maui that would perfectly mark the end of our trip. My neighbor and surf dad, Dave, was also serendipitously asked to come out to Maui for work at the same time we would be there. My Spotify Discover Weekly was randomly selecting Hawaiian songs.
It felt like a clear YES. And yet, deep down in my gut, something felt off. The relationship with my partner had been a rocky road so far and I was afraid that living in such close quarters with him would test us to the max.
Well it did.
Note to self: Listen to your gut.
Within six days, my partner abruptly ended our relationship. I will not go into great detail about the specifics, but I do want to share important lessons that I’ve learned from being in multiple unhealthy relationships. These are notes to myself as well.
Take those red flags seriously. Don’t make up excuses for someone else’s bad behavior.
You deserve to speak your truth and have your own feelings. If you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells because of your partner’s reactivity, you’re putting their feelings before your own.
Personal responsibility is essential. Both partners need to be self-aware and willing to reflect.
Be clear with your needs, desires and boundaries. If they are continuously being disrespected, walk away.
Disagreements are normal. Fighting that makes your head spin and leaves you feeling unsafe is not normal.
If you're afraid to tell family and friends about the reality of your relationship, that’s a good sign you are stuck in an abusive dynamic.
Here’s a great resource for healthy vs. toxic relationships.
Although you may think you’re being “nice” by forgiving someone’s disrespectful behavior, you are actually enabling them to continue.
It’s not your fault, no matter how hard your partner tries to convince you. You are not responsible for their feelings.
Letting go is incredibly hard when you’ve been stuck in the whirlwind of abuse. Don’t believe the empty promises your partner might make once you've left.
Make self-care a priority. The more you learn to love yourself, the less bullshit you’ll accept from a partner.
You deserve respect, compassion and love.
The only way to end the cycle of abuse is to strengthen your own inner being, speak up and stop enabling the behavior. My heart goes out to you if you have experienced a toxic relationship or are currently stuck in one. I highly recommend checking out the work of Melanie Tonia Evans. Her Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program has been very healing for me and I am still peeling back the layers of trauma through it. Use this link to learn more.
Now, back to the story…
So here I am on Maui, last Thursday morning. The boyfriend says, “I want you to leave.” as I am pleading for us to connect and have a discussion. I was in total shock. I felt absolutely heartbroken and uncared for. I had booked two months out of my life in Laguna Beach to be with him in the van. My apartment was already rented. I had no where to go. I was suddenly in an overwhelming unknown. My abandonment trigger was set off to the max.
Luckily I have amazing angels in my life. I reached out to my surf dad, Dave, who had lived on Maui for decades. He orchestrated a rescue mission and immediately connected me to a beautiful friend of his. She picked me up and we had a long discussion about relationships. She felt it was a blessing I got out when I did. She shared a lot of important life wisdom with me. Total goddess!
Then I got picked up by another friend of Dave’s who had a place for me to stay on his property. There was a sweet little shed in his yard that we cleared out, cleaned and set a bed up in. This wonderful friend shared a teaching with me from Eckhart Tolle about emotions and the pain body. Listen here.
The best part of this unexpected series of events was walking into the main house, shared by multiple renters on the property, and seeing a PIANO!!!! I almost died of happiness. I’ve been able to practice, write and teach lessons since being here!
Thank God for Dave and his awesome, generous friends!
Also, serendipitously, the night I was writing this blog post, my lovely friend Sandy Wilder sent out this Unlearning Insight (learn more about his work here)
Receiving
To question the order
of what is occurring,
thinking it would be better
if it was different,
is a relentless exercise in futility.
To receive the unknown,
ever-revealing order
as a perfect gift from Grace
takes your ego
out of the equation
and delivers peace.
I still am not sure what the next two months hold. I have a place to stay for a little while here and trust that I will be led in my next steps. It is uncomfortable and scary, yet also thrilling.
All I can do now is let go and lean into the unknown.
LEAN INTO THE UNKNOWN
Spotify
iTunes
From the moment I could barely crawl at all
I had a feeling I was reaching for the stars
Climbing farther that my hands could ever go
Trying to touch the things my mind would never know
Rising to the height when I could finally see
What it was inside the hollows of the tree
Every second that I thought I knew it all
Life would turn around to show me I was wrong
So now I lean into the unknown
Show me what the darkness hides
Yeah I seek what isn't shown
Looking for what lies behind your eyes
As the years float by my questions always change
Finding inspiration in a different place
Singing louder now from the voice that lives within
I'm calling out to you to rise up and live again
It's time to lean into the unknown
Show me what the darkness hides
Oh I seek what isn't shown
Looking for what lies behind your eyes
Enjoy this short surfing music video I created with Dave Nash for the song!